“Singleness” by Guest Writer: Kathy Dunbar

“Well, if being single at 40 is what following Jesus looks like, I don’t know if I want to fully surrender and follow.”  Yes, I said that. A dear, fun, kind, loving Christian single woman I knew just turned 40. I was 27. And obviously very immature. That woman is still single and nearing 70, I believe. And thank God He didn’t take me seriously … I am still following and still surrendering.

Every dating book, marriage book, relationship book I’ve read (and there are plenty on my shelf) were all written by married women/men. They’d tell their “long single” story, but were all married. I’d read them trying to prepare for relationships, seek wisdom about who I would look for, and be a good wife (Proverbs 31, you all know it, I’m sure), someday. The end goal was always “when I get married.”

Like most single women I knew and still know – marriage was the goal. Well, let me clarify, being a godly wife with a godly husband was the goal. Like marriage is the destination. Now, looking back as I have been praying and pondering what to write, that is not the right motive to have.

Life is a journey with Jesus. The goal is to become Christlike and live a life surrendered and following Him. Let God be our husband. Not some ideal we create in our dreams. Even for those of you who are married – God is the only perfect husband.

KATHY DUNBAR

There are countless verses in the Bible referring to husbands and wives – how to love, submit, how that relationship represents Christ and the church. Being married is a high calling – a beautiful gift from the Lord and is God’s design. Yes, there are verses on singleness, the “gift” of celibacy. Though I don’t necessarily find that one clearly in Scripture. There is one about being born a eunuch, and a reference to Paul saying it’s better to be single so your main focus is being about the Father’s business without distractions.

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 1 Corinthians 7:8 ESV

But the overall message seems to support marriage. People would comment to me, “you must have the gift of celibacy!” Like it’s a good thing. Well, I suppose it is as it does keep you from many heartaches and mistakes that you’ll carry into any marriage later. I digress … there are definitely many more verses about marriage than singleness. I searched and searched and felt that since there is more about marriage, that someday it will happen. I even felt the Lord tell me there is one for me.

Did I miss him? Was “that sin” the reason I am not blessed? Why am I left out? What’s wrong with me? Gosh, if I’m still single when my nephew gets married, I’ll just cry. If there is one more wedding … one more bridal shower … I’ll lose it. How will I make it, Lord?  Enduring the clichés that come from well-meaning loved ones and friends “when you’re not looking…”  “he’s not ready for you yet…” “try this dating app…” “you don’t want to be married, you are fine just as you are…” 

What do we do with all of this? 

I started to focus on who God said I am – seeking Scripture to find my worth in Him. I literally have Scripture in multiple locations – my bedroom closet as I get dressed, the back of the front door before I leave and more.  Prayed a lot for joy as “all” of my friends got married/had babies.

One evening, as I yet again cried out after a short-lived dating experience ended and sought the Lord, I believe he spoke to my heart.

For your Maker is your husband. The Lord of hosts is His name;

And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. Isaiah 54:5 NKJV

I didn’t recall reading that verse before; despite reading through the Bible a few times. As I marinated on it, my focus shifted away from who I am, to who is God.  Who does God say He is?

and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6b ESV

He is perfect love.

He is our Prince of Peace.

He is the One who knows me most intimately and chose me.

He died for me.

He will never leave nor forsake me.

He has my best interest in his heart at all times.

He will be my defender, my refuge, my strength and even grant me the words to say when I don’t know what to say.

He created the universe and knows my name!

No man can live up to that. He is the BEST husband I could long for. I was lovingly convicted – was I longing for Him as much as I longed for Mr. Right?

This new revelation turned my heart and brought me rest from my seeking. HE CHOSE ME! HE LOVES ME!

KATHY DUNBAR

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. John 15:16

Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me. Isaiah 49:16

I am the Apple of His eye, I am engraved in the palm of his hand. He is the ONLY one who can complete me, and complete you. Married or single.

I can confidently say, I’ve had a full life thus far. I’ve traveled, been blessed to be an Auntie, am always taken care of, have had dinner dates in my apartment with Jesus and even a weekend get-away now and then; just me and Jesus. He has provided me with a loving family, godly friends, and a job that I believe is my ministry to the next generation.

Hello, my name is Kathy, I’m 54, single, never been married and am still learning to be loved by Jesus and love him more. Enjoy your journey, He is on the road with you.

But godliness with contentment is great gain, 1 Timothy 6:6 NIV

By the way, both of my nephews are married, with children (one on the way) and I was filled with more joy than I can ever explain as I watched them get married and begin families of their own.

for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. Philippians 4:11b

There is no need to fear singleness.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5 ESV

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 ESV

Kathy celebrates singleness as she loves Jesus, her family and the great outdoors. Her career in Higher Education has spanned over 33 years and was where the Lord placed her post-seminary. Kathy believes that the combination of the two have given her the direction, purpose and passion she was seeking. After working at two Christian Private Universities, God very clearly planted her at Fresno State where she has been actively involved in Academic Counseling since 2007. In her leisure time, Kathy enjoys time with her sister and her family, friends, her parents and being outdoors cycling, walking, hiking, cruising, taking day trips and just exploring God’s amazing creation. Connect with Kathy on Instagram at: https://www.instagram.com/auntiekathy37/.

We thank you, Kathy, for sharing your heart and words of encouragement in this publication of Titus-two.com and we cheer you on as you continue to minister to the generation coming up behind you.

You are loved to Heaven and Back, Kathy ~~

LindaRJohnson, TitusTwo Visionary