“Why Am I Like This?”

Am I alone in my thoughts when I say there are days where I look into the mirror and just “sigh” at what I see staring back at me?

Not just from a physical perspective, Girlfriend, but from the inside out.  On those deep introspective days ~~ when God and I can seemingly carry on a conversation that could span 24 hours ~~ and the dialogue might sound something like this:

Me: God, why did I have to live such a difficult and unusual childhood?

God: Because I love you.

Me: I know You love me, God, but couldn’t you have configured things differently so that there would’ve been less pain?

God: No, because I love you more than you know.

Me: I receive that Jesus is Your expression of love for me ~~ and I cling to the fact you love me to that degree.  But all the “other stuff,” God, the years of feeling abandoned and rejected and unloved by the very people you put me with … couldn’t You have designed a Plan that would’ve bypassed all that?

God: My Plan for you required that I live with you through all that.  You see, I was with you through it all even when you didn’t know that.  I was there in the darkest times when your tears fell from your eyes for hours at a time.  I was there keeping you close to Me when you felt the loneliest and most unloved.  And I am still here with you.

Me: So then You’re not done with me, are You, God?  I mean, there’s more to come so that I can fulfill my Purpose in You.  (Chuckle) Just when I thought You were near ‘done’ with the refinement process ~~ You tell me to ‘hold on’ because there’s more up ahead.  

God: Yes, because I love you and have a greater Purpose for you than you know. Trust me with you.


These are the Conversations that abruptly come to a halt when I have to dash off to work.  Nevertheless, God makes an impression on my soul that I cannot shake loose.

His Divine Reasons far exceed any human comprehension …

Isaiah 55:9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. 

I am reminded in this verse that God remains in control ~~ even when I think “I’ve got this.”  His Design for my life required refinement of a kind that I certainly would not have elected for myself ~~ as a child or adult.

As I continue to “grow up,” I see the workings of God in my painful past.  All of those dreadful moments where I felt more flight than fight. The living nightmares of emotional distress that strangled my senses to the point I didn’t want to live another day. So many times I simply just wanted God to take me Home.

Can anyone relate?

But in the corners of my mind, God kept whispering to me, “I’m here.”  And I would wake up to a new day. Not necessarily a better day ~~ but yet, a new day. Somehow I knew He had a Purpose for me ~~ but I was too immature and way too young to have fully comprehended it then.  And even a half-century later I’m just now beginning to wrap my tiny brain around it all. 

All the questionable experiences ~~ the disappointments and hurts ~~ what seemed like God had abandoned me ~~ were growing pains. He had to allow me to live through those to develop me into the real me

2 Corinthians 9:8 God is ready to overwhelm you with more blessings than you could ever imagine so that you’ll always be taken care of in every way and you’ll have more than enough to share. 

This verse just takes me over the top! It is the Promise of provision for the one who tosses and turns over the “how’s” and “why’s” of this lifetime.

Philippians 1:6 I am confident that the Creator, who has begun such a great work among you, will not stop in mid-design but will keep perfecting you until the day Jesus the Anointed, our Liberating King, returns to redeem the world. 

And when God starts a Project, we can be assured He will complete it! So when we say we are ‘a work in progress,’ we must also remember that it is He Who works the progress; because it is His Purpose.

I would not be able to do the ‘things’ I do if God had not melted my heart by crushing and removing some of the junk that was in it. The grace to extend towards others would not exist if He had not allowed me to feel the pain that they feel when they’re weighted down from the cares of this world. I see the changes in me, and they are only there as a result of God’s transforming love.

And while the physical has far to go (and may have to go to Heaven in order to be fully improved), the spiritual (the real me) is beginning to get a glimpse of a different image in the mirror.

“Do you like what YOU see in the mirror, Girlfriend?”  Are there things there that you have been holding onto, maybe even ‘hiding’ and thinking ‘out of sight, no one knows?’ Do you question why God has permitted some truly ugly things to happen in your life?

You are a work in progress.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are the product of His hand, heaven’s poetry etched on lives, created in the Anointed, Jesus, to accomplish the good works God arranged long ago. 

If I could take you by the hand, I’d squeeze it tightly and say, “Hold on to Him as tight as you can and NEVER let go.”  Feel His grip ~~ its more firm than yours ~~ His Hand holds you ~~ so He is BIGGER than your troubles. 

TRUST and believe that you have Purpose for all that you have experienced ~~ continue to endure.

As you continue your Journey with your Savior, your opportunities to fellowship will increase.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 So support one another. Keep building each other up as you have been doing. 

So that we can keep ‘growing up’ and help bring up the ones coming up behind us.

I love you to Heaven and Back, Girlfriend, and would LOVE to hear from you!


T2T Visionary 

1 Comment

  1. I just read this for the first time today (perfect timing) and all I have to say is:
    No, you are NOT alone in feeling this way and yes, I can relate.
    THANK YOU so very much for assuring me that I am not alone either….that I have others who have felt as I have and that God was and is with me and for me through it all.


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